I'm going to find a second job. I have to. I have enough self discipline to make myself do it. I brought up possibly finding another job to DH yesterday, but today, I decided that I will definitely do it. I haven't told him yet. It probably means that I'll have to work holidays, but that's a sacrifice I'll have to make.

I'll get to my current job in the morning, work 8 hours, then leave and go straight to my next job, if I get one. I even work full-time on the weekends.

We can't afford deductions from our paychecks anymore. DH told me today that we're going to cancel our policies with AFLAC. I really don't want to, but since we'll be paying a certain percentage of our health insurance, we can't afford not to.

Last night on the way home, DH cried. He said that he feels like he's failed me and that he lied to my parents. He says that he's afraid that I'm mad at him and that I'll leave him.

I am mad at him. I feel like he's making this out to be a bigger problem than it is. I feel like a child because I have no choice in the matter. He tells me the way it's going to be and that's that.

He doesn't let me do our finances because I want to do them by hand. I want to place the blame for all of this on him, but I know that I should've been watching our finances, too, so I place the blame on myself.

He's completely unwilling to do the things that will help us the most, like selling one of our cars or ending our satellite tv subscription. I would even be willing to sell our house and move into an apartment at this point just to avoid this kind of mess again.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why we're even in this position. We are 3 paychecks behind, but we'll eventually get those paychecks. Even when we were paid up, things weren't the way they were supposed to be. We haven't bought anything big recently and the only thing I've bought for myself recently is a couple pairs of jeans that fit.

He told me that we'll have to live off of Ramen noodles and macaroni and cheese until we can get out of this mess. He also said that we'll have to go without food at all sometimes. He said that after he told me that I don't eat well enough and I need to try an keep myself healthy.

I think he's trying to make me feel guilty for something.

We have our work Christmas party on Friday and he won't let me buy anything for the gift exchange and he doesn't want to bring any food for the pot luck dinner, so he says we won't participate in eating or anything else.

We won't even be participating in my own families' gift exchanges.

It's going to be a miracle for me to have a merry Christmas this year.

I just want to crawl in a hole and die because part of me feels hopeless and the other part of me feels like I'm being fooled.

I hope I don't drag anyone else down with me.

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