DH is supposed to be calling me sometime today for me to pick him up because he's going to be discharged. The doctor seems to see him later and later every day.

So I'm just waiting around at home.

The Live-ins keep making really strange sounds downstairs... I don't know if they know I'm still here. They like to brag about how they have sex in public places...like the houses that are in the process of being built in this community. I'm sure they've had sex in various places of our house. It makes me want to disinfect everything I see.

*shudders*

DH is really set on trying to conceive. I have a feeling I'm not going to have the chance to talk to him while he's not on painkillers for a long time, so I'm trying to pick a time when he's the most awake and acting the most normal.

Augustus is sitting on the raised hearth and Caesar is swatting him in the face, but because Augustus is sitting higher he's winning this battle. Yep. Caesar just retreated. I'm glad they don't have front claws. They can just bat at each other to their hearts' content and neither of them gets hurt.

Anyway, back to the baby thing. I'm not going to have the opportunity to talk to DH while he's in a drug-free state for a long time.

Someone mentioned that marriage and financial stability are important things to consider. Unless we win the lottery (which isn't possible because we don't participate), we'll probably never be as financially stable as we'd like to be when we start having kids, which means that we'll never get to have them.

As long as we don't have to go through another paycheck dry spell, we're already financially stable enough to afford to have children. We need to pay off some credit card debt, but I have no doubt that we could stay afloat if we had a child right now.

As far as the state of our marriage goes...

Despite the fights we've had recently, I don't think our marriage is doomed. We seem to work things out when DH's in less pain.

Chronic pain can really make someone irritable. I've never had it, but DH does and I can tell just from the way he acts.

After we fight he always comes back to me and tells me that he was just in a lot of pain he was taking his aggression out on me. I usually don't mention that because I don't feel like it's a really good excuse, but some people I really trust can attest to the fact that pain can change someone.

I believe that having a child, besides being something that I've always wanted, will give me something to do other than bossing DH around like he says I do. If I'm acting like I'm his mom, then I must have that maternal instinct.

Right now the only thing that's keeping me from automatically saying yes to his request is the fact that I don't know what's going to happen to him. Since no one seems to know what's wrong with him, his life could be in tremendous danger and no one realizes it yet. I'm scared that he might die before I get to have children with him. I'm scared that he might die after I've had children with him and I'll have to raise them alone.

But he could very well live and I'll never have kids with him for fear that I'm going to lose him. Or he could live and we'll have the family we've always dreamed of.

DH called. I didn't even think that I could be visiting him right now while I'm waiting for him to be dischared. Duh. I don't know what's wrong with me. He was wondering where I was.

Off I go.

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