If you can see me, please forgive me for crying like this. I'm sure you know that nothing and no one has been the same since the day you died.

That day was exactly one year ago today.

The other day I saw your car keys hanging on the refrigerator at my parents' house. I didn't know they were yours until I saw that tiny plastic case containing a spare battery for your hearing aid. I immediately pictured your squishy wrinkled hand using that key to start your car so that you can take me and my cousins swimming.

I talked to Grandma the other day. She's been very sick. She's a very strong woman, you know. I had never seen her cry until you got so sick. She loves you so much. I know she misses you and can't wait to see you again.

I know I can't wait to see you again.

Do you remember those bear hugs you used to give me when I first walked through the door? You used to hold out your arms and welcome me into them. Then you'd squeeze me so tight that all of the air would escape from my lungs. Then you'd rub your whiskers on my face because you knew it would make me giggle. Then you'd kiss me on the cheek and let me go.

I used to watch you eat your breakfast. You looked so serious when you ate. You cleaned your plate. Bowl. Silverware. Not a speck of dirt in sight. You ate bread with lunch and dinner to wipe up any gravy or juice that you may have missed with your spoon. When you caught me watching you, you'd smile and chuckle and then tickle me.

When I stayed at your house for a week or two during the summer, every night I heard you splashing around in the bathtub. We all giggled, but I giggled because I imagined you were in there with a rubber ducky and a bunch of bubbles floating around.

You told me I was ugly once. That really hurt me. But now it makes me think that maybe I was the prettiest grandchild you've ever seen and that was without even having to do anything to change my appearance. I think maybe you're the only person who loved me just the way I was.

The last time I saw you while you were awake, I told you I loved you and you started to cry. You pulled me close to you and held me. I know you felt like you were such a burden to everyone because you couldn't take care of yourself, but I know for a fact that you being a burden to anyone was a blessing because it meant that you were still alive and still able to love and be loved.

I'm really glad that you're not suffering anymore. You've been pain-free for a year now. You're terribly missed. Grandma is spending Thanksgiving with us this year and that is such a good feeling. Your spirit isn't gone from our get-togethers even though you're physically not there.

I know that we're not supposed to be sad that you're gone, that's it selfish of us to wish you were still here, but sometimes it's impossible to be unselfish and not to suffer a little bit for your passing.

I love you, Grandpa.

Love,

Heather

--last || next--

LAST FIVE
New Location - October 18, 2007
Be Still, My Soul - September 17, 2007
Just leave already - September 16, 2007
Changes...I hate them (well, most of them, anyway) - September 14, 2007
Funky Love - September 12, 2007

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