After all of the grief he gave me about our money problems...how we'll have to live on macaroni and cheese and ramen noodles for a few months...saying he feels like he's failed me...and everything else he said...and after making an agreement that if one of us ever wanted to buy something over $100, we'd have to discuss it and make the decision together...

He goes online and orders loads of paintball gear. He originally told me he was buying one bigger air canister. But today 2 HUGE, HEAVY BOXES of this stuff was delivered to our house.

He lied to me about what he bought. He won't even tell me what else he bought or what it costs.

I'm guessing it was somewhere between $500 and $1000. He says he won't tell me because he doesn't want me to yell.

If I wasn't so afraid of his anger, I'd go open the boxes and look myself.

You know, I wouldn't even be so upset if he would've just told me in the beginning what he bought. If I didn't feel like he's going to be hiding things like this in our marriage. I would be even better if I knew that he'd use this stuff, but I know that he'll play paintball 5 times maximum before he gets tired of it, like everything else.

After feeling like I was the cause of our money problems all this time, I can now sleep knowing that I am not the cause of all of this. After denying myself some things that I need, I know that it would've been justified to buy the things I need without feeling guilty.

And now he's trying to hug and kiss me when he knows I'm angry. I just want to be left alone.

And my period just started. I feel the cramps and the rest is going to come within the next 5-10 minutes. Which, periods aren't that pleasant anyway, but this means that yet another month has gone by...and I'm not pregnant.

I could cry right now.

--last || next--

LAST FIVE
New Location - October 18, 2007
Be Still, My Soul - September 17, 2007
Just leave already - September 16, 2007
Changes...I hate them (well, most of them, anyway) - September 14, 2007
Funky Love - September 12, 2007

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