I guess things are going okay right now. I'm under a lot of unnecessary pressure that I've put on myself due to the last fight DH and I had less than a week ago. There's also a lot of pressure at work and from DH about his health problems.

Thursday, DH is having a colonoscopy done which will reach far enough into his small intestine to take a biopsy/biopsies of the ulcers that should be found there. The prednisone does not seem to be working. It seemed like it worked at first, which makes me wonder if maybe he needs to be on a higher dose. I understand that the doctor doesn't want to do that because it's not diagnosed yet, but it hurts me to see him in so much pain and I wish there's something that can be done right now. Actually, I wish there was something that could be done 3 years ago, but that didn't happen.

I just almost missed the garbage truck. Or I might have already missed it. I was getting the trash together and I was taking it outside when I saw the truck at the neighbor's house. Fortunately, the Live-Ins put our garbage can down to the street (it's the nicest thing they've done since they moved in). The garbage was still in the can, so I went ahead and took the rest out. I guess we'll see in the morning I really missed it or not.

Speaking of the Live-Ins, it hasn't gotten any better. We came home last night to find that they'd spilled grease all over our stove. They cleaned it up by

OH MY GOSH! The truck just took our trash!!! *whew*

Anyway, the Live-Ins cleaned up their mess by what looked like wiping a paper towel around. They wound up smearing the grease all over the stove top and they really didn't clean it up at all. It really irks me. DH and I also noticed that they've allowed the drippings from their grill to drop down onto concrete patio behind our house. I doubt that it's going to be easy to clean up. I'm sure it'll be stained forevermore.

It's a shame that they don't care about other peoples' things. Maybe it's because they won't have to live with the effects of what they do while they're here. They'll be able to move into their brand new house while ours has aged a few years while they've only lived here a few months. We still haven't heard anything about the date they leave. They kept saying that they weren't given a closing date. All I know is that when our house was built, we had a closing date as soon as the shingles were put on our roof. Last I heard (which was 3 weeks ago at least), they were waiting for their appliances to be put in. Um...if I remember correctly, that's pretty much the last step before closing besides the final walk-through.

*sigh* I just keep complaining about the same things. I read other peoples' diaries and see that my life is diddly squat compared to theirs. I feel like I have no right to complain.

I feel like everyone else feels like I bring my own problems on myself. Like I want problems.

Like this last fight...

No. I won't talk about it. It's over. I don't even need to think about it.

No. It tears me up. I need to get it out.

See? I'm even fighting with myself.

Whatever. I'll write about it. This'll probably be TMI, but it's my diary, so live with it.

The week before my period, I seem to have a sexual dry spell. I have no desire for sex. I don't think about sex. I have no ability to become aroused. Normally DH wouldn't notice because he wanted it even less than I did. So we could go an entire week without sex and we'd just go on our merry ways and have no problems.

Last week, though, was hell. It was my dry spell week. He's been fired up for sex every day for the last 3 weeks.

I have no way to turn myself on.

He wants sex any way.

I have sex with him anyway because he thinks that I don't want to have sex because I'm not attracted to him anymore, but I don't enjoy it and he knows.

It eventually gets to the point where I have no choice but to have sex with him because he practically forces me to. One time, he hurt me so badly that I started to cry and he didn't stop.

I don't know if it's possible for a man to rape his own wife, but that's certainly what it felt like.

It's like, when I really want to have sex and he doesn't, I have to forget about it until he's ready. But when he wants it, he has to have it. He doesn't care if it hurts me or not.

So the other night, I was already sleeping and he came up (4 o'clock in the morning) and he tells me that he wants sex. I push him away, of course, because I was sleeping and it was kind of rude of him to do that, especially when he knows that at the time I didn't want and couldn't have sex.

He gets and angry and tells me that I'm forcing him to find a substitute until I'm ready (he kept making references to it being years before I'm ready again). He said that the next day he was going to go out to find another woman with whom he would want to have a sexual relationship.

I told him that if he did that, I would leave him because it would be cheating. And he knew before we ever got married that cheating was something I would not put up with.

He told me that what he would be doing is not cheating.

He told me that I need to see a doctor for my problem. He would've known that this happens every month most likely due to my hormones. I mean, it happens to me every single time. I'm sure it's different for every woman and I told him that it would end by the end of the week (and I was right).

I don't remember how we made up. It eventually came to the point where he wouldn't allow me to leave the bedroom and he forced me to listen to him when all that was happening what I was getting more anxious and I was starting to feel sick to my stomach.

All he does is say the same things over and over like he doesn't want me to forget them. But he won't listen to a word I say.

I'm pretty sure we wound up doing something sexual that night.

Now that I have the desire to have sex again, I give in to whatever he wants, but just between you and me, I don't want him to touch me.

If anything made him unattractive to me, it was his aggression and the force he used on me to get what he wanted it. It's his decision that having sex with another woman isn't cheating. It's his decision to go out and find another woman to become intimate with him that disgusts me.

I think about it every day. I think that I'll come home one day and find another woman in our bed because I didn't have sex with him for one day.

Sex has no meaning for me anymore. I feel so used after what happened.

Maybe I'm just being a drama queen and none of this should be important in the grand scheme of things.

Oh...what makes me feel even more used is the fact that he said that he doesn't know when he's going to die, so he wants to have sex as much as he can. Apparently it doesn't matter who it's with, just as long as he's having it. The only important thing in his life right now seems to be having sex whenever and wherever he wants it.

I feel so fat. Ugly. Useless. Used. Violated.

I don't even know if this is something I should be upset about.

So that's why I haven't updated. Nothing's worth writing about. I'm trying to believe that my grass is greener than that on the other side.

--last || next--

LAST FIVE
New Location - October 18, 2007
Be Still, My Soul - September 17, 2007
Just leave already - September 16, 2007
Changes...I hate them (well, most of them, anyway) - September 14, 2007
Funky Love - September 12, 2007

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