I was actually thinking, after I wrote that last entry, about how people will probably think I'm lying about how I've been treated in the past because I've made this decision.

Thank you, Revisions, for your honesty. It actually didn't make me mad because I've been thinking hard about what you were saying (even before you said it).

I know for a fact that there is a definitie pattern when it comes to DH's state of health and the way he treats me. He's been doing well for the last couple of weeks and our relationship has been absolutely perfect. Our fights are very minimal. He doesn't place the blame on me for everything. He's thanking me for the little things I do and he's thinking about me in some of the things he's decided to do.

I remember there was a police officer that I talked to for about a week online and I told him about the state of our marriage in the beginning. He actually got angry with me because I refused to leave the relationship. He told me that I was one of those stupid women who allow themselves to be abused.

That was one of the most hurtful things I've ever been told.

I know that things weren't right many times in our relationship. I can see how some of the incidents can be seen as abuse. But DH isn't telling his side of the story, either. I can honestly say that I try my best to not exaggerate anything that has happened. If I'm upset when I write, of course it's going to be more heated. There are many times when we've just had a falling out and I choose not to write at all...and everyone out there in cyberspace who reads this and my family are none the wiser.

I'd always told myself that I'd never let myself be abused. Sometimes I can't see what other people are talking about when they say that certain things are abuse.

It's completely different when you're in the situation than when you're looking at the situation as an outsider.

I might not be a very strong person, but I am most definitely not stupid. I do not feel like our relationship is in danger. I do not feel like I am in danger. If I ever do feel like I am in danger, I will leave. I read my past entries and I see how inconsequential most of our fights have been.

He has been so gentle and kind lately. I've done nothing to deserve it. Maybe it's because the live-ins are gone. Maybe it's because we're closer to finding out what's wrong with him. Maybe it's just because he's not in much pain right now.

Made a promise to this man when I married him. I want more than ever to be able to stick by his side no matter what we're dealing with. We're learning to communicate better. We're learning to help one another without having to ask for it. We're learning how to take care of each other.

And I want to say that we're in love with each other more now than ever before. I've been going through our wedding pictures and I can't help thinking that marrying DH was the best decision I've ever made (other than wearing slippers on my wedding day).

Right now we both feel like it's time to take that next step. We want to begin to extend our family.

I know it's not going to happen overnight. And I'm going to try not to stress over it or think about it constantly (which is hard because I'm so darn excited!!!).

I'm filling out an ovulation tracking chart. I wouldn't say it's to find out when I'm most fertile. I'd say it's more just to get to know my body better. And it's interesting. I didn't know that my body temperature fluctuated during certain times of the month.

Other than writing here (and whoever DH has told already), I'm not going to tell anyone. I've been reading an entry in the diary of love-me-more (that's a direct link to the entry) and I thought it was really comical.

If you tell people that you're trying to have a baby, they know that you're having sex. They know when you're having sex. I don't like that idea.

I figure people knew we were having sex anyway. I mean, we're still technically newlyweds and we seem to be finally having our honeymoon phase (that was lacking on our actual honeymoon...).

Oh that reminds me...

I think people think that DH and I got married because I was pregnant. I didn't think that until my little brother told me that someone I know (a friend, actually) told him that I was pregnant (this was when I wasn't married yet). I don't know if he actually believed her.

Then I noticed that whenever someone finds out that I'm married, their next question is, "Do you have any children?"

AHA! You're trying to find out if I got married because I got pregnant!

Well I hope after 2 years of childless marriage, everyone believes me when I say that I didn't get married because I had an unexpected premarital pregnancy. And anyone who knows me well would know that I would never ever have an abortion.

So there.

Anymahoos...

Now I forget what I was going to say. Ack. Dum de dum de doo...

Oh yeah! This whole conception thing is on a faith basis. I stopped taking birth control and other than starting to take vitamins, I'm not going to do anything to try an help myself get pregnant. I'm not going to change my sex life. I figure that if it's not in God's will that I get pregnant, then it's not going to happen.

Like love-me-more said, "so, if we get pregnant, and we are asked, "were you trying to get pregnant??" our answer will probably be yes.

but while we aren't pregnant, and we are asked, "are you trying to get pregnant??" our answer will be no."

That sounds like a good plan to me.

In the mean time, if any moms or pregnant lovelies want to give me any advice about signs of pregnancy...or stories about their pregnancy...or any other interesting information, feel free to contact me any way you wish. I really don't mind.

:)

--last || next--

LAST FIVE
New Location - October 18, 2007
Be Still, My Soul - September 17, 2007
Just leave already - September 16, 2007
Changes...I hate them (well, most of them, anyway) - September 14, 2007
Funky Love - September 12, 2007

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