Once my gold membership is up, I'll probably stop writing altogether. I don't want to keep switching diaries because it's a pain in the butt and I've already wasted a bunch of money on gold memberships when I don't even stay in one diary for a full year to get the most out of it. I've already done it 3 or 4 times and it hurts me to think that I could've used that money for something more useful.

I hate the fact that most of what I write about is depressing. The thing is, though, is that I don't need to get the good days off of my chest. They don't weigh on me like the bad days. In my own way, keeping a diary is almost like cutting to someone who self mutilates. It's more painful for me to write the truth in a diary, especially when I know that it's available for potentially millions of people to read, than to keep it bottled up inside. The pain of keeping record of the things that are hurting me outweighs the pain of those actual events. Because sometimes I go back and read those entries and I relive all over again those bad days. Sometimes it feels like getting shot in the heart.

I hate the fact that when I start a new diary, I feel like I could rule the world because it's a new start and no one is going to get in my way of being a new person in the diary world. What usually happens is I wind up feeling like some of my readers are my friends and then I worry about what they'll think of me if I write a certain something.

So I change diaries to get away from some of those people. The rest of those people I care enough about that I don't want to lose their internet friendship, even if I'm the only one who thinks we're friends.

I sound like a crazy person.

So that's why I haven't been updating. I'm worried about being judged. I'm actually shocked that I don't get comments or e-mails telling me how stupid I am for the things that happen. Maybe that's because I beat myself up worse than anyone else could.

That's it. I have more to write, but this was most important in my mind. Now that this is out, I can move on to better things for the rest of the day.

I hope everyone had a great holiday weekend.

--last || next--

LAST FIVE
New Location - October 18, 2007
Be Still, My Soul - September 17, 2007
Just leave already - September 16, 2007
Changes...I hate them (well, most of them, anyway) - September 14, 2007
Funky Love - September 12, 2007

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