Yesterday Athea called me to try to get together today to hang out. That was before I took DH to the hospital. Now I'm not in the mood to have her over. She's way too peppy and ditzy for my liking right now. If she comes over it means that I won't be able to see DH much today. I know it's probably rude of me to ask to postpone our meeting, but it was a bit last minute in the first place.

I wasn't her first pick of who to hang out with anyway. Her first pick ditched her for another friend. Then it was a choice between me or my mom.

Hmm... It's a little weird to me that she's hanging out with my mom, but whatever. She picked me. I guess it's all just bad timing. Maybe she's meant to stay home today? I don't know.

***She just called and she's coming anyway...and she's spending the night. Part of me feels like this is good because it would probably be good to have company, but at the same time I don't want anyone to come over because I don't have anyone who would be the kind of company I want. Eh.***

I need to videotape Caesar right now. He managed to get a little paper ball in my shoe and now he's going bonkers trying to get it out. It's so cute. I think I'll go tease him a little bit. Now Augustus...aw man. He spoiled it and got the paper ball out. It was cute while it lasted.

The reason I shut down my other diary is because DH and I got into a huge fight the other night. It was the night I hung out with LeAnn. I came home to find him smoking some kind of legal alternative to pot. I was very upset. Angry, in fact.

I felt like he had better things to do with his time. I'd like to think that smart people can find better things to do than to smoke. And it worries me that he's so into feeling good. There are more healthy ways to feel good other than smoking or popping pills.

That's what started our fight. It went on to us arguing about me acting a like a child, but I treat him like he's a child.

I can see how he could think that I act like his mom, but I'm not trying to control his life or tell him what to do. He was upset that I remind him to take his pills in front of people. I only remind him when I remember and if people are around, I still remind him. I didn't know that good wives don't do that, so I guess I'll stop.

He says that he's going to look at porn because I just don't do it for him anymore.

He wants me to wear lingerie around the house...and to let him act out some kind of rape scene with me.

I'm fine with wearing lingerie around the house, but on the last cruise we went on, I came out of the bathroom wearing lingerie because I was in the mood, but he got mad at me because it was shallow of me to think that he'd want to have sex with me just because I wore lingerie. So I haven't worn it since. I'm really getting mixed messages. It was a big step for me to wear lingerie on my own since I'm so insecure about the way I look. But he really shot me down that time and I haven't wanted to wear it for him again.

Maybe something happened to me that I don't remember, but the thought of acting out a rape fantasy scares me. If I ever feel like he's corning me, I start to panic. If he confines me and I can't escape, I start to cry. I don't know, but I just can't give him what he wants in this case. I'm willing to do agressive I'll-rip-off-your-clothes-and-throw-you-on-the-bed sex, but rape? I can't do it. I don't think it's unreasonable to feel this way about it either.

He also said that I forced myself to be hired where I work right now. I don't know where that came from, but I'm going to talk to Daddy T about it, since he's my employer and I'll see how he feels. I'm not going to be at the company much longer anyway. I still want to know though if that's how he feels, though.

Sometime during our fight I walked away and he said that I only walked away because maybe I was starting to realize that we weren't meant for each other.

I really wasn't, but after he said that I was. He later said that he wanted me to be the one to leave because it would be easier. He said that I needed to let him know what I wanted to do so he could start looking for another mate. Why do I feel like he's trying to push me out?

We slept in separate beds that night...his choice. I was fine with it. I actually slept relatively well.

The next morning he tried to act like everything was okay, but in the car on the way to work, he was angry again. Then he changed again at work and was fine. He spent nearly the entire day in my office trying to talk to me. I, of course, had a lot of work to do.

I don't remember when we made up. He was worried that I would leave him. To be honest, I was seriously considering it. Maybe we weren't meant for each other. Maybe our personalities are so different that it's just not possible for it to work out.

Then he said that he wanted to have a baby. Holy moley. I'll talk about that later.

***Later***

Athea came over. We visited DH and watched Moulin Rouge and ate Taco Bell food and went shopping. Then we came home and she discovered (by my searching on MySpace) that her boyfriend who is supposedly overseas has a son and a fiancee. I'd been suspicious of him all along, but whatever. She's very upset. She wanted me to make her a drink before she found out, so I offered her one after she found out. I don't know about you, but if you're husband's in the hospital, you really don't want to have to spend a lot of effort consoling someone else who was cheated on. It's not quite the same. Though I know it hurts. She guzzled that drink down and while I wasn't paying attention, she made herself a much stronger drink.

To make a story short, that was too much for her. She's thrown up 4 times...once in the bathroom, 2 times in the kitchen sink, once in a trashcan in the upstairs guestroom. I feel kind of bad that I made her that first drink, but she should not have made the second drink. When I tried to take it away from her, she chased me and begged me not to pour it down the sink. She only drank half of it, but it was still too much. I'm glad she got sick here and not somewhere else where someone wouldn't take care of her like I did.

This is where I think I'd make a good nurse. I held her hair back while she threw up. I washed the contents out of the sink. I handwashed the trashcan after she used it.

And I didn't feel sick. That never happens.

So...that was my fun night. I probably never should've had her over, otherwise she wouldn't be in this mess. But she would still be swooning over an unfaithful boyfriend, so... I don't know.

I guess I'm a bad cousin for letting her drink.

I feel really bad. Ugh.

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